Musings on a Small Life

It's dreary today, chilly and rainy. But I'm thrilled it's rain and not snow, though the temps are dipping down to below freezing again this afternoon/evening. I'm also thrilled this is the last day of February. Finally. Another month and Spring might grace us with her presence. (March = mud here, for the most part.) So to cheer myself up (it is Monday, after all, and the start of another work week), I'll post a few more floral snapshots from my jaunt to the greenhouse the weekend before last. Bear with me, I'm almost through the pics. Really. LOL. I hope everyone has a colour-full day!

I did go to the cat show this morning, spent a couple of hours, then had enough of standing on the concrete. Can't imagine how the judges survive two straight days on their feet on that floor. It was kind of fun to see all the cats, though. A lot of Bengals, Persians, Ragdolls...I always enjoy the housecat judging the most, though. Our shelter had a number of cats entered, one came first and another came fifth. Both are looking for their forever homes; I hope this helps their chances. I bought a few small toys for the boys, pics of which I'll post next week on the Fuzzy Tales blog. Just a wand toy, a catnip bag and a soft, springy-thing with puffy balls on each end. I also made two purchases for me, for a change: Both were so cute I couldn't resist. You can see the earrings weren't terribly expensive, and I think the bag, which is very well made, was $22. It has a long (adjustable) handle, so that I can put it over my head and have it hang over one side, as I ...

I'm sure you can understand that I'm very thankful this week is drawing to a close, as is this month. I'm also thankful our "storm" forecast of up to 25 cms (about 10 inches), has been downgraded to 2 - 4 cms. An inch to an inch and a half. And the 10 cms for Sunday also has been downgraded to just a few. Maybe by then it will be rain. I can hope. As well, I'm thankful I went yesterday, after all, to get Annie's ashes, paw print and fur; I don't have that hanging over my head now and can do something this weekend to cheer myself up. I'm definitely going to the cat show tomorrow morning. Well, barring some unforeseen circumstance/emergency, of course. By the way, the vet clinic doesn't do the paw print, and of course doesn't do the cremation. It's done by Gateway Memorial in Guelph, Ontario. They have some gorgeous, very expensive urns and remembrance items, for those whose budget permits. I'm thankful the boys were playing ...

I just got a call from the clinic...of course I broke down talking to her. I said I wasn't sure I would be able (emotionally able) to pick them up this week and she said that was okay, whenever I was up to it. I can't do it today, I just can't. And we're slated for a major snowstorm tomorrow. I don't want to go. I know I have to pay the bill, but I just don't want to go get the urn, paw print and fur. What's worse? Just doing it or having it hanging over one's head? That's rhetorical, there's no answer. *Sigh*

It's sunny here but was -16C when I left for work at 6AM, no windchill. It will be a while yet before we see garden blooms like those at the greenhouse on the weekend. The Canadian Cat Association National Show is on this weekend. I went last year, think I'll go again on Saturday (when bus service is good), barring a snowstorm. You never know, I might find some (more) toys for the "deprived" boys. Getting snapshots is harder--often too many heads in the way (I'm short) when the judging is taking place--but I'll give it a try. I'm still waiting for the vet clinic to call me to tell me Annie's ashes, paw print and fur are ready to be picked up. It should be this week but I'm dreading it. I'm dreading the final bill too, as crass as that sounds, because no one told me how much individual cremation was. I remember how much it was for Chumley, 4+ years ago, and I didn't even have his ashes returned. Though that was an after-hours emergency....

Just sayin'. Because I'm sick, absolutely sick and tired of -16C (3.2F) degree weather, with windchills of -25C (-13F). I'm sick of dirty snowbanks, icy patches on the sidewalks, having to wear long johns and two pairs of wool socks and taking five minutes to don coat and scarf and mitts. I'm sick of sleeping under a mountain of blankets at night to keep warm. Go! You're not welcome here anymore! Spring, oh, glorious Spring, feel free to make an appearance any time.

Oh, yes, I went to the City greenhouse this afternoon. Got there about 20 minutes before they opened, but the door was unlocked and they let me come in. So I had about ten minutes with no one else around to start taking snapshots. (You know I don't take "photos.") By the time I left, a half hour later, the place was busy and I was rather overheated...or having a hot flash. (Not really....greenhouses are hot and humid after all, and I was sporting my usual long johns underneath my jeans and sweater.) So I do have some cheerful floral snapshots to share over the next few posts. This definitely was my big "happy" for the day! More glorious colour to come!

Of course I'm still having sobbing fits, probably will be for a while yet. Playing the "what if" game. What if we hadn't given Annie Convenia injections? What if I had done "x" or what if I had done "y?" What if I had a different vet? Useless, but predictable in the grieving process. (BTW, I like Annie's vet very much, she's a wonderfully caring person who did her best.) So, while I was out with a friend this morning, I bought a pretty, floral hard cover journal from HomeSense for all of $4.99. Specifically so I can jot down my "happys" for the day--the small things we take for granted or overlook. Only the good . I used to do this in my 20s, and in more recent years when I was clinically depressed. Now I think it's time to start again. I thought about doing it here, on-line, but I like the idea of having to write , not type. And no one needs to read "vanilla, non-fat latté and warmed-up espresso brownie." That...

I learned years ago that the only way past grief is to go through it, experience it, but oh, it's so hard. I miss Annie so much...I love the boys, but they were not part of my life during those dark years and the connection is different. Annie was sensitive to my moods, always coming to me when I was upset or sick, to offer her comfort. Last night when I really broke down (you know those gut-wrenching, gasping, noisy sobs), Derry ran to a "safe" distance and just looked at me in trepidation, while Nicki, entirely oblivious, asked to go out into the back space. It was actually a bit funny. Clueless male louts. LOL. Yesterday afternoon I noticed an odour, wondered what it was. I should explain that I lost my sense of smell a number of years ago due to constant allergies (I think). I can smell woodsmoke and can just get a faint whiff of my jasmine body butter, but that's pretty much it. Can't even smell bleach if I stick my nose to the bottle. But I digress. ...

Probably everyone who reads this blog follows the Fuzzy Tales blog and so knows that Annie was helped peacefully to the Bridge this morning, and now is with Chumley. For reference, or in case you don't already know, the post is at: http://keas-fur-family.blogspot.com/2011/02/annie-is-with-chumley-at-bridge-now.html I appreciate all your support and caring and love more than I can say. I miss my baby girl terribly and I feel a heavy hole in my heart, yet I'm so thankful she's now pain-free. Thank you.

It would have been easier if the vet hadn't said let's try a round of antibiotics for Annie. Because now I wonder how long do I let her go on like this, to see if she can rally? (Rhetorical.) And what of her continuing chronic issues, even if she does? And I've just had a former co-worker, who's in the same building, ask me how it went yesterday. I told her and she was absolutely appalled that I wouldn't consider force-feeding Annie and said if I didn't want to force-feed her, to give Annie to her and she'd do it. I explained that she actually did eat the food I left out for her yesterday (she had the appetite stimulant yesterday AM). She had a fit that the vet prescribed Baytril as the antibiotic--I know it's not good for cats with kidney issues, but the vet felt Annie's numbers were good and could handle it. In fact, she had a fit that Annie was being given another antibiotic at all. And she also was appalled that I would consider letting Ann...

I met with the vet this afternoon and was with her for about 40 minutes. She felt a round of antibiotic (Baytril) to tackle the secondary infection Annie probably has from both her bladder inflammation and upper respiratory infection was worth a try. We have discussed euthanasia and how I want it done (i.e. Annie sedated first), that I was her cremated and want her ashes, etc. I have told her that I will not hospitalize Annie again, or tube-feed (she's not big on syringe feeding anyway, something I wouldn't have done) or keep pumping endless meds into her. I'm trying this as one last shot, to give her a chance to rally. But Annie is tired, she's sick and if I don't see improvement on the ABs I will let her pass and be at peace. I did see that she ate the food I left out today (gave her an appetite stimulant this morning), and pooped a bit too, along with the tiny pee clumps. She's been up twice to have a bit of the boys' food, has gone back down to h...

Yesterday afternoon, trying unsuccessfully to doze on the couch, a sudden image of a long grey-haired woman popped into my head. She had glasses low on her nose and pointy ears and was tired and sick and despondent-looking. Annie was curled up in the cat bed on the sofa table behind me at the time. Then last night, lying in bed, an image of Chumley came into my head...He was walking away from me/my point of view, toward a big tree, and he just sat down like he was waiting for something. I'm not saying those are signs...who knows? Those are just the images that came unbidden to me. This morning, looking at Annie in her cube, unresponsive and not even willing to lick food off her paw (she hasn't groomed herself in weeks), I thought, it's time to let her go. I gave her the appetite stimulant, ground it up and syringed it in--and poor girl, it made her drool and froth excessively, so it must be very foul-tasting. It took about an hour and a half for her to even have o...