"Do as I say, not as I do"
That's an old expression those of us of a certain generation got from our parents. Not a particularly wise expression, either, since children learn more by example than by words.
One of the comments to my "About Relationships" post started me thinking about this (thanks, Evy!). She wrote: "If you don't have a good relationship with your spouse, the children won't be happy. Happy parents make for happy, well behaved children."
The other thing that factored into my musing on this was Mom's hope that she and Dad provided oh, I guess a good, healthy foundation for life. I'm not sure if I'm expressing that well enough -- she seemed concerned, the other day, that there was some good in my childhood.
I really had to think about this, because my initial reaction is that no, I can't recall anything positive in my upbringing. (Not related to humans, that is. Lots of positive things related to animals and Nature.) Mom and Dad had an awful relationship, Dad was verbally abusive and emotionally absent and Mom was struggling just to make it through the days, I imagine. (I'm so blessed to have a great relationship with my dad now!)
So, no, I didn't learn how to have a healthy relationship from my parents, quite the opposite. I certainly learned, unconsciously, that emotionally distant and unavailable is the norm, and I chose a partner who was just like that (of course, he's been an ex-partner for many years now--lol). I, myself, am also emotionally removed from humans, until I trust them--and that takes a long time for me, has to be earned, not given.
I didn't learn any positive life skills at all. Didn't learn basic things like how to manage money, how to find a job, how to find a place to live, how to cope in social situations...I don't know if kids are taught these things today, but if schooling doesn't cover the life-basics, I hope parents do.
I did learn good manners. That's often something lacking today, I see. And I think I learned sheer survival from my mom. In more recent years, I've learned from my dad that just because you aren't physically demonstrative doesn't mean you don't love deeply.
As Evy stated, the very best thing you can do for your children, to teach them about healthy, happy relationships, is have that with your spouse. If you don't, if your kids are growing up in a toxic environment, they are not going to be happy and well-adjusted, not without a lot of self-awareness, therapy, and time. It's simple. Basic. And no amount of wishing otherwise on the part of the parent is going to change that, unfortunately.
Maturity does bring greater awareness, however, and an understanding that our parents did the best they were able to do at the time, with where they were in their own dysfunction and internal struggles.
Still, the best things about my own childhood were my ponies, our neighbour's horse, our dog and then cat, all the land and forest around me, and books. Never forget all the books! I survived because I turned to those things; it shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone that in my adult life I still turn to those things--animals and Nature and books--first and foremost, above humans.
One of the comments to my "About Relationships" post started me thinking about this (thanks, Evy!). She wrote: "If you don't have a good relationship with your spouse, the children won't be happy. Happy parents make for happy, well behaved children."
The other thing that factored into my musing on this was Mom's hope that she and Dad provided oh, I guess a good, healthy foundation for life. I'm not sure if I'm expressing that well enough -- she seemed concerned, the other day, that there was some good in my childhood.
I really had to think about this, because my initial reaction is that no, I can't recall anything positive in my upbringing. (Not related to humans, that is. Lots of positive things related to animals and Nature.) Mom and Dad had an awful relationship, Dad was verbally abusive and emotionally absent and Mom was struggling just to make it through the days, I imagine. (I'm so blessed to have a great relationship with my dad now!)
So, no, I didn't learn how to have a healthy relationship from my parents, quite the opposite. I certainly learned, unconsciously, that emotionally distant and unavailable is the norm, and I chose a partner who was just like that (of course, he's been an ex-partner for many years now--lol). I, myself, am also emotionally removed from humans, until I trust them--and that takes a long time for me, has to be earned, not given.
I didn't learn any positive life skills at all. Didn't learn basic things like how to manage money, how to find a job, how to find a place to live, how to cope in social situations...I don't know if kids are taught these things today, but if schooling doesn't cover the life-basics, I hope parents do.
I did learn good manners. That's often something lacking today, I see. And I think I learned sheer survival from my mom. In more recent years, I've learned from my dad that just because you aren't physically demonstrative doesn't mean you don't love deeply.
As Evy stated, the very best thing you can do for your children, to teach them about healthy, happy relationships, is have that with your spouse. If you don't, if your kids are growing up in a toxic environment, they are not going to be happy and well-adjusted, not without a lot of self-awareness, therapy, and time. It's simple. Basic. And no amount of wishing otherwise on the part of the parent is going to change that, unfortunately.
Maturity does bring greater awareness, however, and an understanding that our parents did the best they were able to do at the time, with where they were in their own dysfunction and internal struggles.
Still, the best things about my own childhood were my ponies, our neighbour's horse, our dog and then cat, all the land and forest around me, and books. Never forget all the books! I survived because I turned to those things; it shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone that in my adult life I still turn to those things--animals and Nature and books--first and foremost, above humans.
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