The Aughts? The Double OOs?
It seems to be the "thing" to do, to take a personal look back at the past year and in this case, the past decade. Do I really want to join the fray? Uh, no. But I guess I will, anyway.
Most of this time was spent battling clinical depression, and it certainly feels good to have been off meds now for the better part of a year and still be okay. For how long is a flip of a coin, but at least I have a MUCH better understanding of mental illness (versus perceived character flaw or weakness) and will deal with whatever comes in the future.
Things that stand out?
2000: The Putz and I split; I was hired at my current job, a HUGE blessing, especially with a super laid-back boss and fabulous co-workers.
2001: I adopted Chumley in April, my first cat, and then Annie in August--the best and brightest events in 2001. I kept the townhouse (in retrospect, not such a good idea, financially), and I got involved in a brief but very stupid rebound fling.
2002: I hit bottom in terms of depression, went on meds for 10 months. I really don't remember much about the year except crying a lot.
2003: Off meds, struggled for the next three years, some of which was spent in denial. On the plus side, I learned a great deal about mental health issues and developed a heck of a lot more compassion and empathy for peoples' difficulties.
2004: Dad took me a on a 7-day cruise to Alaska for my 40th birthday. Spectacular scenery, not sure I'd want to do a cruise again, though. After that, however, I mentally gave up on my life. I realized there was no chance to ever have the life I had imagined for myself (welcome to reality!).
2005: Went back to Halifax to visit Mom and her hubby; hit rock bottom again with depression, mostly all I remember about the year was that the month before Christmas was very, very bad. I was barely sleeping and Annie curled up beside me all night, every night, from the latter part of November to Christmas Day night. After that she somehow knew the crisis had passed and she never stayed with me all night again, though would come and go. I never will forget that, and honour her for it, though she's turned into Ms. Nasty Grouch now. :-)
2006: Back on meds in February and I think that saved my life, literally. Dad bought me my digital camera in September and that's been fabulous--love, love, love nature photography, even though I'm not particularly good at it. But it, along with all my walking, is my therapy.
2007: Chumley died unexpectedly on January 24th and it was absolutely horrible. On par, emotionally, with the split from my ex, if not worse in some ways. Chumley had been there for me through everything and it was like half of me was gone. Adopted Nicki in April and that was...interesting. LOL. He and Annie were and still are like oil and water and it's made for a stressful household. Adopted Derry on December 21st, my sweet little boy, and he was the biggest blessing of the year.
2008: I can't recall much about 2008, though I do remember we had an office move that most of us didn't want. Sucks being in a cube farm and sharing space with another department, but it's better than no job, that much is certain.
2009: Thirty extra pounds later, I came off meds on March 21st. (Properly weaned off over 6 weeks, of course.) Still feel good off them, but haven't lost any of the pounds yet. LOL. Guess I'd have to kick the sugar addiction--again. I did kick the coffee habit, though. Yay! Found Eckart Tolle's book, A New Earth, courtesy of one of my co-workers, which has been significant for me. Annie was diagnosed with hyper-thyroidism in September, which is an ongoing problem as I try to sort out dose, the base ingredients, etc. Poor Annie, she's been through a lot in just a few months! Nicki also had his problems--dental--requiring 8 extraction$ in November. I'll be paying the vet bills off for months to come.
Something else of note, though I can't remember if it was November 2004 or 2005: While watching a motivational program on PBS, I had an "aha" moment around forgiveness. And out of that came my current good relationship with my dad. Maybe it was a moment of grace, I don't know. I do know that if I still were with the putz, it probably wouldn't have happened. Frankly, I'd rather have my dad! It's wonderful to sometimes feel like "daddy's little girl" at my age and it's been a true gift.
This decade mostly has been a very "heavy" one for me. I don't feel much hope for the future years--I'm too realistic, too jaded, too ego-identified. (I need to start reading Eckart Tolle's book again; in fact, I really just need to keep it on the go indefinitely.)
But what I do have is more knowledge and understanding, and also more tools, to deal with what comes. So I'll just suck it up and put on my big girl panties and deal with it. :-)
I wish everyone a multitude of universal blessings in 2010 and in this next decade. Joy, love, inner peace, compassion and kindness. And most of all, Present-Moment awareness.
Photo courtesy of the MS Clipart Gallery
Most of this time was spent battling clinical depression, and it certainly feels good to have been off meds now for the better part of a year and still be okay. For how long is a flip of a coin, but at least I have a MUCH better understanding of mental illness (versus perceived character flaw or weakness) and will deal with whatever comes in the future.
Things that stand out?
2000: The Putz and I split; I was hired at my current job, a HUGE blessing, especially with a super laid-back boss and fabulous co-workers.
2001: I adopted Chumley in April, my first cat, and then Annie in August--the best and brightest events in 2001. I kept the townhouse (in retrospect, not such a good idea, financially), and I got involved in a brief but very stupid rebound fling.
2002: I hit bottom in terms of depression, went on meds for 10 months. I really don't remember much about the year except crying a lot.
2003: Off meds, struggled for the next three years, some of which was spent in denial. On the plus side, I learned a great deal about mental health issues and developed a heck of a lot more compassion and empathy for peoples' difficulties.
2004: Dad took me a on a 7-day cruise to Alaska for my 40th birthday. Spectacular scenery, not sure I'd want to do a cruise again, though. After that, however, I mentally gave up on my life. I realized there was no chance to ever have the life I had imagined for myself (welcome to reality!).
2005: Went back to Halifax to visit Mom and her hubby; hit rock bottom again with depression, mostly all I remember about the year was that the month before Christmas was very, very bad. I was barely sleeping and Annie curled up beside me all night, every night, from the latter part of November to Christmas Day night. After that she somehow knew the crisis had passed and she never stayed with me all night again, though would come and go. I never will forget that, and honour her for it, though she's turned into Ms. Nasty Grouch now. :-)
2006: Back on meds in February and I think that saved my life, literally. Dad bought me my digital camera in September and that's been fabulous--love, love, love nature photography, even though I'm not particularly good at it. But it, along with all my walking, is my therapy.
2007: Chumley died unexpectedly on January 24th and it was absolutely horrible. On par, emotionally, with the split from my ex, if not worse in some ways. Chumley had been there for me through everything and it was like half of me was gone. Adopted Nicki in April and that was...interesting. LOL. He and Annie were and still are like oil and water and it's made for a stressful household. Adopted Derry on December 21st, my sweet little boy, and he was the biggest blessing of the year.
2008: I can't recall much about 2008, though I do remember we had an office move that most of us didn't want. Sucks being in a cube farm and sharing space with another department, but it's better than no job, that much is certain.
2009: Thirty extra pounds later, I came off meds on March 21st. (Properly weaned off over 6 weeks, of course.) Still feel good off them, but haven't lost any of the pounds yet. LOL. Guess I'd have to kick the sugar addiction--again. I did kick the coffee habit, though. Yay! Found Eckart Tolle's book, A New Earth, courtesy of one of my co-workers, which has been significant for me. Annie was diagnosed with hyper-thyroidism in September, which is an ongoing problem as I try to sort out dose, the base ingredients, etc. Poor Annie, she's been through a lot in just a few months! Nicki also had his problems--dental--requiring 8 extraction$ in November. I'll be paying the vet bills off for months to come.
Something else of note, though I can't remember if it was November 2004 or 2005: While watching a motivational program on PBS, I had an "aha" moment around forgiveness. And out of that came my current good relationship with my dad. Maybe it was a moment of grace, I don't know. I do know that if I still were with the putz, it probably wouldn't have happened. Frankly, I'd rather have my dad! It's wonderful to sometimes feel like "daddy's little girl" at my age and it's been a true gift.
This decade mostly has been a very "heavy" one for me. I don't feel much hope for the future years--I'm too realistic, too jaded, too ego-identified. (I need to start reading Eckart Tolle's book again; in fact, I really just need to keep it on the go indefinitely.)
But what I do have is more knowledge and understanding, and also more tools, to deal with what comes. So I'll just suck it up and put on my big girl panties and deal with it. :-)
I wish everyone a multitude of universal blessings in 2010 and in this next decade. Joy, love, inner peace, compassion and kindness. And most of all, Present-Moment awareness.
Photo courtesy of the MS Clipart Gallery
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