Emotional Resiliency
I've been thinking a lot about emotional resiliency over the past number of months, mostly because I don't seem to have it.
Parental divorce, various moves, job changes, my own split from my ex, the brief rebound, loss of friends, Chumley's sudden death, then Annie's mysterious health problems and death....All these have taken me years to recover from. I'm still working on getting past Annie's loss, of course, still break down every now and then into sobbing fits.
Yet I read various blogs on the Cat Blogosphere and elsewhere, see that they experience the loss of beloved fur (and human) family members (using fur family for example--loss comes in myriad forms of course), and still seem to bounce back and readily embrace another adoptee, knowing full well that in the future they will experience another agonizing, heart-wrenching, soul-destroying loss. Only they don't seem to view it that way. They seem able to accept the losses and changes and embrace the suffering, not let it close themselves off from life, from living.
But in my case, my losses, human and fur, have had and are having the opposite effect.
I've avoided human relationships for so many years now that nothing could induce me to get involved with someone again. I don't want to adopt another fur "child" again. Okay, part of me does, but with all my heart, I don't want to go through the sickness and death again, I don't want to be the one who has to deal with it all and finally play "god."
I can see that I'm pulling farther and farther into myself, wanting to keep all emotional attachments at bay. There's a reason my closest friend lives two provinces away and our main communication is email. There's a reason I don't live close, geographically, to my biological family. When the boys pass, I can picture myself completely alone, going to work, then going home to a small apartment to read and go to bed...and that's it. That will be all my life will hold.
I don't know why I seem to be missing the ability to roll with the punches, to develop a thick skin, to foster emotional resiliency, but I am.
Is it the way my brain is hard-wired? Is it the depression that shadows me? I know there aren't any answers. And I know I'm not the only person on the planet without good coping skills. It just interests me why some of us don't have them and others do.
Maybe I simply need to stop typing and eat more chocolate. But probably I need to type more and stop eating so much chocolate!
Universal Blessings and Light to All Beings.
Parental divorce, various moves, job changes, my own split from my ex, the brief rebound, loss of friends, Chumley's sudden death, then Annie's mysterious health problems and death....All these have taken me years to recover from. I'm still working on getting past Annie's loss, of course, still break down every now and then into sobbing fits.
Yet I read various blogs on the Cat Blogosphere and elsewhere, see that they experience the loss of beloved fur (and human) family members (using fur family for example--loss comes in myriad forms of course), and still seem to bounce back and readily embrace another adoptee, knowing full well that in the future they will experience another agonizing, heart-wrenching, soul-destroying loss. Only they don't seem to view it that way. They seem able to accept the losses and changes and embrace the suffering, not let it close themselves off from life, from living.
But in my case, my losses, human and fur, have had and are having the opposite effect.
I've avoided human relationships for so many years now that nothing could induce me to get involved with someone again. I don't want to adopt another fur "child" again. Okay, part of me does, but with all my heart, I don't want to go through the sickness and death again, I don't want to be the one who has to deal with it all and finally play "god."
I can see that I'm pulling farther and farther into myself, wanting to keep all emotional attachments at bay. There's a reason my closest friend lives two provinces away and our main communication is email. There's a reason I don't live close, geographically, to my biological family. When the boys pass, I can picture myself completely alone, going to work, then going home to a small apartment to read and go to bed...and that's it. That will be all my life will hold.
I don't know why I seem to be missing the ability to roll with the punches, to develop a thick skin, to foster emotional resiliency, but I am.
Is it the way my brain is hard-wired? Is it the depression that shadows me? I know there aren't any answers. And I know I'm not the only person on the planet without good coping skills. It just interests me why some of us don't have them and others do.
Maybe I simply need to stop typing and eat more chocolate. But probably I need to type more and stop eating so much chocolate!
A few snapshots while heading home yesterday.
Universal Blessings and Light to All Beings.
Comments
I don't think any of us bounce back faster than we should - it just takes us all the amount of time it should. And just because some of us post about the funny stuff or the good stuff doesn't mean we don't have those dark moments when we dwell on the dark....
And chocolate can't hurt. :)
But you are right in that I choose the pain. I am a firm believer that with out the darkness we can not appreciate the light. Love does not come with out pain, and I will gladly suffer the pain for the precious moments of love my kitties and beloveds share with me.
From your own blog...
A Prayer to Start the Day
by Ceisiwr Serith, copyright 2002
Mother of All, Father of All:
as I go through the day,
keep my eyes open wide.
May I not miss beauty.
May I not miss joy.
May I not miss wonder.
Keep me awake and aware of the world.
Sometimes I weep for the people/critters I have yet to lose.
I even weep for the job I loved and lost - through no fault of my own.
I think that you can't understand love, if you haven't lost.
Don't give up Kim - you're too precious and good to turn yourself into an eccentric hermit. Stop it, NOW!
xxx
I think that you are strong for addressing your pain - I tend to avoid mine. I also tend not to blog about the sad stuff. Mostly because I don't want to relive the pain as I write. I realize that this gives a false impression of what my life is really like - and how well I bounce back from the tough stuff.
Sometimes I will blog about a difficult issue, usually after it has been resolved. For example, right now some of our foster kittens have ringworm, which is stressing us out beyond belief. I haven't blogged about it yet because I am absolutely catatonic on this subject. My husband and I try to use humor to get through tough times - which at the time might come across as callous if written about in the present tense. It's easier to laugh later and have others laugh too, rather than risk offending.
Case in point: we had to take apart our snowblower at 11:30 pm on a work night, to extricate a feral foster ringworm-infested kitten to try a second time to give her the meds to treat the ringworm. The next morning, I asked my husband, "Was I hallucinating, or were we really taking apart the snowblower at 11:30 last night?" He replied that I was definitely hallucinating, but that he had the same hallucination.
Chocolate also helps.
(((Hugs)))
Mom Sue to The Furry Bambinos & Assorted Fosters
I read all your survival mechanisms coming to the fore because you are protecting yourself and your very gentle heart from so much pain. And if that works for you - if that enables you to cope every day, with the every day then you do what you do. You are building your own skin that you feel comfortable with and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I truly think you do what you do to survive and to be alive and to be at peace with yourself. You must always start with you and what works for you and sod the rest! LOL! Oh ok, that's harsh, but you know others do whatever, you do what feels right for you.
big big hugs from me! take care
x
Now..she and I are strongly bonded and we are both going through it. I won't blog about how I feel and she doesn't much either. We did occasionally sound desperate about her eating but I never let her say until we turned it around, that she lost half her weight. Her condition is serious and I can't make it go away. But I am keeping her more comfortable.
So, as others have said..we seem like we're all just fine soon after but most times, we are just trying to put a brave face on. And, as does everyone else, I try to be kind.
What you do for you is right for you. I know it's easy to say but don't hold yourself up for judging against someone else. What works for them does not work for you, and what works for you may not work for them. Neither is wrong. It just is.
It is true and I am echoing what others have said to experience loves means you have to experience heartache. To see the light you must go through the darkness. There is a balance and what works for you is all that matters. I do hope that your grief for Annie will be replaced by the love and that you find peace and not sadness when you think of her. Do you think she would want for you to suffer at her expense?
Sending you hugs....
The choice to love another fully is a choice to open oneself up to immense heart-pain. Seems crazy to set oneself up to hurt that much by entering relationship. I can very much relate to your post, my default was to avoid the pain by not starting the relationship. If you don't have the relationship in the first place then you can't lose it. In essence I traded the acute pain of grief for the long ache of loneliness.
Grieving is very personal journey yet I hope for you that you are never alone in it. Have you seen the movie Up? A movie about a man who refuses to grieve and clings to what was at the expense of the gift that was given by the lost one. The same theme is repeated over and over in the Warriors book series.
In my journey, I have found that grieving-trauma is cumulative. I had mastered the art of escaping the pain from old wounds. However, I have learned that it doesn't go away, just because it is out of sight doesn't mean it is gone. Ungrieved losses add to the current losses making each one more and more overwhelming. I am learning how to grieve, it is not pleasant and at times I strongly fight it. So far on this journey, there have been good sized moments of delight and beauty mixed amidst the heart-pain.
Thanks for sharing your grief-story with us. You may have noticed on my blog I occasionally write about my experience in grieving. I have found it quite helpful.
thank you for all these wonderful comments your friends have left you...they are a gift to me also...
Love Karla and Miss Peach
From all I see, I think you should let go some of your emotional attachments. Life is too short, my dear
Many experiences might not so good for you and neither do I. Life is tough a lot of time when we is getting older and older. And so much time give us so much pain. And we think it can't be heal but for me, just don't be too hard for yourself. Happiness of everyone is come from different way. Chose your own way will be the best.
My life is up and down so many times, Mostly down. But I found if I didn't pay attention too much, I will be fine ! I found if I pay attention with something else, I will spend less time with my problems. such as doing blog, read books,watch movie, do the garden, clean the house..blar blar..
I'm here alone in Australia, No family, No friends ( I means real friends ). But I found I will be survive if I keep myself busy.
Since I have Puddy, he is purrfect fit to my life, I don't think I can handle too if something happen to him. and I know I can't let go too. But I'm not telling myself I'm going to adopted cat again or not. Because since I have Puddy, I believe cat come to my life by some reasons, just let it happens when the time come. Because for me, Cat is a precious thing in my life.
I'm not sure all my written it help you or not but I just want to tell you. You are Aries, You will survive !!!
( I'm Aries too : )
Hugs to you
I just kind of push it to the back of my head. It's there...sometimes I let it out to mourn, but then I put it back in the little box it sat in and avoid it until I'm ready. Probably 'wrong' to do...but I'm not really one that likes to be a blubbering, sobbing, sniffling person in public.
I have a few close friends in person, but everyone else...I dunno. Maybe they are friends? I seem to make friends more easily online. (shrug) it's been hard for me to 'make' friends...people think I'm too eclectic. (from what I gather) I'm awkward.
Not over Bella Mae...my heart hurts thinking of her just as much as my first kitty. In a way I feel like the situation presented itself to end up like Cutsie's so I could do for Bella Mae what I couldn't do for Cutsie. That helps me cope.
I'm afraid of having to do it again. I always cross my fingers and hope that they will grow old and pass in their sleep. I can only hope. A secret-Phoebe Layne....I didn't fall in love with her instantly. Getting her was more for Cordelia than anyone else...on the way home and Phoebe crying....I almost wanted to turn back. I was scared to death that I'd go through hell all over again.
For me, it has helped me cope and grieve.
Everyone has their own pace, levels, and ways. No one is 'right' nor 'wrong' in the ways of the heart and what it takes and means to you. You are a wonderful person, I enjoy talking with you. I think you are great, regardless of everything.