Crankypants
Yeah, I know this is small potatoes given the current world situation, but could we at least have some sunshine and warmth while the world is imploding? And yeah, I'm just crankypants about it, but there you go.
This morning, on my way to my chiropractic appointment. Seriously?! Sure, it looks pretty, but it's April 7th, not January 7th.
Whereas on the weekend I was appreciating the grass turning green (at last) and seeing the Spring flowers.
Below: Easter Sunday...Must have been the Easter Bunny!
We had a deluge of rain over the weekend, lots of flooding in low-lying areas.
Monday (a work day for us): Sorry (not sorry), George, you already had your treats, this is all for me!
On another note entirely, and putting it out there because I think I'll explode if I don't (and maybe someone else has been in my shoes)...I have spent my entire life trying to be the good and dutiful daughter, student, (former) partner, employee, team member, law-abiding citizen, etc....My. Whole. Life. To duty and society's rules. I am tired of it. I'm this close to breaking. I fear that I'll be in a staff meeting one day soon and just crack, unable to keep up the pretense any longer. Not financially able to retire at this time without finding part-time work for far more than minimum wage (if that's even possible these days, given the economic situation). But I honestly don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. I'm trying to hang on at least another year, but mentally I'm just done and emotionally I've fractured. My life is slipping away and I've spent the past two and a half decades just surviving. Working in a meaningless job (as good as it is) to support myself and when they were with me, my fur babies. (And for the record, Mom, safety does not mean happiness. It's not better to be a live chicken than an unalived duck.)
If anyone else has walked this path, if anyone has spent their life being the "good girl" and doing what was expected of them until they just couldn't be that person anymore, let me know how you hung on to your sanity. Or maybe you didn't! Maybe hanging onto sanity is overrated! :-)
Thanks for reading, if you made it through my...whatever this is. Vent. Breakdown. I don't know. I just know that there has to be more to the rest of my life, however long it is, than this. 🫶
Comments
Thank you so much for taking time to enjoy and share the beauty around you. It means so much to me.
What a mess you are dealing with at work. Why is it the ill behaved are always allowed to 'be ill behaved' and everyone else has to suffer. I retired in 2011. Thankful all the red tape and jumping thru HR and PC hoops was not bad then.
Hugs Cecilia
advice as to where you’re at, but the cesspool of $#it I was in ….there was no
way in hell I was going to stay another 18 months, just to get a few extra
dollars in SS. I sat down and for the most part…reworked my expenses so I could retire without feeling….afraid….and funny thing…after the COLA in
SS, Im now making MORE, than when I was wading thru 💩💩💩💩💩💩
You may find what your spending habits are, versus income, can be looked at from a different angle…as long as the doods still get their daily treats ! 😸😸😸sometimes your mental health is more important than hanging on at corporate america, in your case canada. I hope you can hang in there at your current
job; maybe tell yourself….only XXX number of months to go….as time does go fast…in the meantime, perhaps take up a hobby besides your awesome photography, that will help you take your mind away from the work environment. Still say you should seek out if peeps are looking for photos in and around canada, and submit your work…..you’ll never know what may come of it….sorry for the comment that was from your house to mine in lenght 🐾💚😸‼️
Kim, I'm so sorry life is so challenging right now. There are definitely days when I feel exhausted from a lifetime of being upstanding and reliable, and it seems like those days are more and more frequent in this messed up world. I'm not sure if it's of any comfort, but I believe there are lots of us struggling with the types of issues you've so eloquently written about in this post.
It's so hard, and where you are, I'm sure the weather is making it worse. I am in my 60's and still scrubbing toilets and mopping floors to scrape a living. It's not corporate, but it's not fun, either. If I didn't have church and gratitude, I'm not sure I could keep up the pace.
Each day, I tell myself I can put up with one day, this day, and it's all I have to deal with. It does help.
I hope things get better for you, especially when spring comes, it may lift your spirits enough to get you through until you can retire.
I know exactly how you feel, but for me it is my battle with cancer. I went through the chemotherapy with all it's side effects, took the daily pill afterwards which should work for 2-3 years but actually only worked for less than a year. That really deflated me. I was told my best option was immunotherapy but warned it was tough. G-d, I never realised how tough and now I have completely lost my fight. I want and need my determination back, I know I can't beat it, but I want to give it a darn good run for it's money!
I was advised to see a counsellor much against my wishes, but eventually agreed. I had my first session yesterday which was mostly her filling out forms to find out as much about how I am feeling. We talked about the boys which brought a lot of tears. She showed me photos of her cats and also gave some advice. The main thing, and I hope it might help you, is to imagine a large bucket with a tap on the bottom. It is filled to the top and a drop more water sends it over the top. She told me to imagine the bucket, find the tap and let some water out before that happens. I haven't tried it yet but when I feel like screaming in frustration I will try.
I worked for an association for just over 30 years when I was laid off in mid-2020 during the pandemic. I was just turning 61 and no way I could retire. Worked with a job counselor to redo my resume but it was pretty useless as no one was hiring during the height of the pandemic, especially anyone who is over 60! Eventually I incorporated myself as an LLC and have been working as an independent contractor for a remote law firm as a paralegal since mid 2021. It has kept me above water but the work has just been part time with no benefits. My hours have gone from around 30 a month, to 20, to now I'm struggling to get 10 hours a month. I felt I had to start Social Security last September before my full retirement age and am grateful for that steady monthly income. I feel like these last six years have been on survival mode with absolutely nothing to look forward to.
I kept thinking about talking to a therapist and in some chat room someone mentioned using AI as a virtual therapist. On a lark I tried it just a couple of nights ago. I typed in this phrase
"Act as a compassionate, professional therapist and help me work through this anxiety using CBT techniques". I was surprised how helpful it was! They give you ideas and phrases to use to help keep the anxiety levels down. AI is checking in on me on Thursday to see how things are going. In some ways it was so much easier to spill my guts out to something online than to go one on one with someone. Sounds weird, I know, but give it a try! And, it's free!!
I'm not certain this would be an option for you, but would selling your property allow you to move to an area where costs are lower?
Sorry that you got more snow, yuck! We were supposed to get a dump overnight but thankfully the winds blew the storm to the north of us - the poor buggers in Saskatoon and Prince Albert areas took the brunt of it.
Take care!
I JUST ADDED THIS TODAY'S POST "FLASHBACK SELFIE.. ALL 100 COUNTIES IN NC ARE CURRENTLY IN A DROUGHT" NOTHING QUITE THE LUSH CURRENTLY
HUGS CECILIA