Musings on a Small Life

Any males reading this might prefer to skip it! Anyway, the yo-yo is my mood, which I hope can be attributed to the roller coaster of pre-menopause. I've been really low lately, no surprise as winter really impacts me, but I don't usually get so low anymore that I'm troubled by suicidal thoughts. Okay, sure I know I really don't have a reason to keep going except to take care of the boys, but most of the time I content myself with other things and get through the days, as many of us do in our own ways. But since the weekend, and especially yesterday? Jeepers! Then, when I woke up this morning, I had the first verse of an old hymn running through my head, one I've not thought of in decades: This is my Father’s world, and to my listening ears All nature sings, and round me rings the music of the spheres. This is my Father’s world: I rest me in the thought Of rocks and trees, of skies and seas; His hand the wonders wrought. I got out of bed and...

The last Monday of July already, can you believe it? I feel the inexorable slide to autumn. Sweater weather: good. Winter snow, ice, and freezing rain: bad. Won't go there yet! Boy, there was something seriously "off" with me last week, and I can't blame PMS. I know I posted I was grumpy, but "grumpy" was an understatement, frankly, and on Saturday I was in a rage all day, over nothing. For absolutely no reason whatsoever. The kind of anger I used to have before I crashed into depression the first time, and punctuated by serious "my life is crap" thoughts, and "All this and death too?" So I really had to wonder what the heck was going on. Peri-menopause and whacked hormones? Another imminent bout of depression? Too much sugar? (Sugar is a depressant for me--in spite of which, I consume copious quantities every day.) Well, it beats me, but I was fine on Sunday and am fine today. I guess if I feel like that every month now (goddes...

So there I was this morning at about 6:40AM, walking the easy kilometer down from the bus stop on the route I normally take to my office. With thoughts like this running through my head: Wow, at the end of the month it'll be 11 years since the ex moved out. It'll be my 12th April (and onward) in the house alone. Gees, nothing in my life has changed except the cats who keep me company and the colour of my walls. And the neighbours. Ongoing isolation. Sometimes loneliness. Loss. Depression. Full. Stop. Instead of letting my thoughts run on like that, I tuned in to the sounds around me, and heard the glorious, sweet song of a robin. He might have been saying, "This is my territory, every other male stay away," or "Hey, robin ladies, I'm waiting for you ," but to me it was a joyful and joyous sound. And it really did help to bring my awareness to the Present and to the small things that bring me happiness. (Like the full Goddess Moon this mo...

Do I have to don the "happy happy joy joy" mask here, on my blog, all the time? I tend to, for the sake of the few followers, but this blog is for me , my own outlet, so really, I don't know why I try to steer away from darkness, when darkness is so much a part of me, thanks to my brain chemistry. But here's my lesson for the day: Just don't bother to log on to your on-line bank account, kiddo, because you'll realize that the only way you'll ever be free of the burden and stress of debt is via death--by suicide or by natural causes. At the moment, I can't fathom why I didn't commit suicide when I wanted so badly to do so, over the course of so many years. Oh, yeah, the fur kids...No, I'd never leave them, but I can tell you this life sure as hell has been shitty for the most part, particularly the past dozen years. Lots of little good things, but the magnitude and intensity of the bad seems to outweigh the subtlety of the good. That thud ...