Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I've been a good girl this year. More's the pity. Actually, I've been a ridiculously good (and boring) girl for 48 years, going on 49, and for some reason, it doesn't seem to be working for me. You know I haven't asked you for a lot of things over my lifetime, and the non-material things I've asked for I've not received. Not that I'm criticizing or anything. But I thought I'd ask for a few things this year, if you could see your way to bringing at least #1 or #3.

1. Please take away my immediate neighbours permanently, and bring only quiet, problem-free, abuse-free ones, with no problem companion Beings of any species. The gods and goddesses aren't working quickly enough on this one, so I thought I'd ask you. You know, in case the deities are too busy eating Ferrero Rocher chocolates to pay attention to requests. [Referencing a dumb TV ad.]

2. In correlation with item #1, please provide me the means to have sound-reducing insulation blown in all along the entire side of my unit that joins the next.

3. Or, if you prefer, please provide me or an immediate family member with a winning lottery ticket for at least several million dollars Canadian, so I can get the hell out of Dodge, with my boys and Toby.

4. Speaking of Toby, if you could provide him with a wonderful forever home, that would be greatly appreciated. Not mine, because you know, for various reasons, that I'm not able to give him that at this time. Unless you're bringing me item #3.

5. As for the material items, I'll take a new bed, double-sized, please. Firm. Not going to sag in three years. I've had that 450-thread count mattress pad for what? Six years now? Still in its package, unopened, just waiting. And a new couch, please, not a hide-a-bed. In a durable fabric that will withstand cats' claws. I hear, from watching Steven & Chris [Canadian daytime talk show] that microfibre is the way to go.

I think that's all, Santa. I'd like to ask for continued health for us all, for Mercy for the suffering of All Beings, for Peace and Joy in abundance, but I don't think you bring those.

I'll be sure to leave you a bottle of good rye, and some treats for the reindeer.

All the best and safe traveling Christmas Eve,

Kim