I don't think I was alone

Nicki's remains are home with me now; this morning I picked up his urn, the tummy fur I requested, and his paw prints. The paw prints are especially lovely, more than I expected, and maybe I'll post a snapshot at some point, but not today. Not when my emotions are so raw.

***

Last night, in a quiet moment, I had asked the Universe/Spirit/God (whatever you choose to call that energy) for whatever I would need to be able to do this alone, to pick up his remains.

***

I had to go back out to the emergency pet hospital, because that's where I had gone with him two weeks ago and where his remains were returned.

It's far out in the west end, past our Walmart store and pretty close to one of the exits onto and off the 401 highway.

I bused to Walmart and called a taxi from there, had the cab driver wait at the emerg clinic. Went in bawling, came back out bawling even harder.

But. It turned out that the taxi driver was (is) a cat person, has had cats all his life, has one very dear to him right now, and he completely understood my grief. When he dropped me off at our shopping centre, we chatted for quite some time after, off the meter.

***

I know, I know, that was the "hand" of Spirit, the Universe, God, whatever.

***

I wasn't alone the night Chumley died, a neighbour was with me. I wasn't alone the morning I had to let Annie go, a co-worker was with me.

I used to beg the Universe so frequently not to let me have to go through letting Nicki or Derry go when I was all alone.

But there I was two weeks ago, alone with Nicki, making those hard decisions and doing what was best for him.

I remember later that evening, being upstairs, marvelling that I had managed to do that, alone. And then I had the sudden thought pop into my mind, "Who said you were alone?"

***

I don't think I was alone at all.

I don't know who was around me, whether Annie's spirit, or possibly both Annie's and Chumley's, or maybe a human's, but I in my heart, I don't believe I was alone. Physically yes, but not in spirit.

***

As someone who is very well-acquainted with loneliness and isolation throughout most of her life, I want to say this: If you feel lost, alone, abandoned, bereft...You are not alone. Even if no other physical Being is with you, there is an energy, spirit--call it what you will--around you. I know only too well that can be ice-cold comfort when you desperately need the touch of a human for a hug or a back rub, for someone to hold you up and tell you it will be okay.

Even so.

Please know, deep in your heart, that you are not alone.

Peace and Blessings to you.